Stitches and Threads

What happened to August!!

2011-09-08T08:39:00.002-04:00

School is now in session! For me that means setting the alarm and hitting snooze at least twice before starting the day. Never mind that the alarm is clear across the room and I have to get out of bed to hit the snooze, walk clear across the room to get back in bed and that explains why the alarm is clear across the room. I would normally just shut it off, or shove it under the bed and go back to sleep only to oversleep.

The kid defined her first day of school with “It rocked” so I assume it went well. And she is finally in the grade where they are allowed to join band (oh yay) and she would just love to play the drums “Please, please, PLEASE can I? Oy! She originally wanted dance lessons until she found out that ballerinas actually stand on their toes. Drums (really?) We live in less than 1000 square feet of space and I just don’t know where a drum set would fit, let alone my supply of ear plugs.

It seems I have been very busy, doing something, because August flew by. I did get to go to TN and had a wonderful time. I loved the area we were at and came home ready to pack up and move there. The thought of leaving NY winters behind is a glorious one. I added it to my list of goals along with getting my degree, finishing a wedding gift I was crazy enough to start (but it will be beautiful) cleaning out two overly stuffed closets, convincing my 96 caravan to last one more winter, getting rid of the extra 25 pound I carry around (though with the cooler weather I yearn to bake) getting strings on my guitar (I bought some cheap ones two broke so I will be buying better ones) and doing what my new Dr. suggests I do.

My new Dr. is wonderful because he believes that FMS is real (no kidding, it took me years to find him) I am taking my meds, except the pain killers unless I am in so much pain I want to kill. I just don’t like the “may be addictive” warning they come with. I am also totally up for walking 15 minutes a day (yeah, I know how hard can that be right? Well it’s not easy) and eating a high fiber diet (that does not include ice cream or any other chocolate food items I crave) the walking has been on hold for that last week due to rain in massive amounts. I would like to say I am feeling great, I even tell myself “Hey you feel great” to which I answer “Hey you, F*&#@ off, I do not feel great.” It is a process to feel great and one day I hope to be there. For now I will settle with feeling good enough to get up and get dressed before I feel exhausted. I go back for my follow up appointment soon with y wonderful new Dr and need to discuss work. I have to do something to generate an income. I now have some help from the kids father but I need a real job preferably something I can do from home. Like keeping the books for the kids dads business (sounds like a plan, and is now on my list of goals) this I could do at home during hours best suited to me (2am??)

I am starting to think of the holidays (LOVE the holiday atmosphere) and have decided to start early this year (before my usual Decemer rush). I have some ideas on what the grandchildren will be getting (I should have four of them by Christmas, unless my daughters little girl decides to wait until after her 12-25 estimated arrival date) I love to receive handmade gifts and so I will be making several to give as gifts this year. (Idea’s and pictures to come soon)

And I will also be baking up a storm like I do every year although it was so much more fun when the kids were all at home. More to come on the baking at a later date. But thiswas magically delicious and the recipe can be found here

The Mall................

2011-08-26T23:05:00.000-04:00

So the ex and I took the kid school clothes shopping. I am still suffering from sticker shock. Either prices have gone way up on clothes or I just haven’t been paying attention! It takes less material to make her size clothing, so why is it that it costs as much as mine? Anyway..

It was weird. I haven’t been anywhere with the ex in well years, we were too busy fighting then he was out of town until they let him out. I kept looking at him and saying “This is weird” “Isn’t this weird”? “Really, this is so weird”. He even bought me a coffee no doubt to occupy my mouth so I wouldn’t keep repeating myself!

What really strikes me weird is that I feel no anger or resentment towards him and actually enjoyed myself for the most part except it was weird. When we got back I offered him a cup of coffee and he sat and visited and watched the kid add a pet she had bought (with money that was burning a hole in her nonexistent pocket) to her Wekinz collection. And that was also weird. The whole day was weird, yet I know him better than anyone so it shouldn’t have been so weird or should it have been?

Today was spent getting the things needed for the kids birthday party tomorrow and not much else. Time somehow got away from me and then my body decided to hurt so bad I can barely walk without pain. Must have been the three hours spent walking the mall store to bloody store. Did I mention I am not a fan of the mall and that the whole excursion was weird, really weird?

Nine Years!

2011-08-22T23:07:00.002-04:00

It’s amazing how fast time goes by. Tomorrow it will be nine years since the kid decided to join us. Even more amazing is the fact that we are both here to celebrate it! Five weeks before her due date I hemorrhaged due to placenta abruption. My memory of that night nine years ago is fuzzy. I think it is my minds way of protecting me from such a scary experience.

I remember waking up to use the bathroom (sure do pee a lot when you are pregnant) and then I sat down on the bed and thought my water broke. I told my husband to turn on the light I was sure my water had broken. What a horrifying sight it was when he turned on the light and there was blood everywhere. I know he called the ambulance and the hospital and vaguely remember trying to get something to catch all of the blood. And I remember the look of sheer terror on my sisters face when he called her to come over and let the older kids know where we were.

I truly believe that someone or something was on our side that night (except the police when we were doing ninety miles an hour down Main Street). My husband decided the ambulance was taking too long and took me himself. I remember getting to the ER entrance and my husband picking a man right up out of a wheelchair (he was a patient that was outside smoking and there just happened to be an EMT standing with him). I then remember bang, bang, bang, and doors opening and closing. I later learned it had been the EMT running and hitting the button to open the doors all the way to maternity while my husband ran pushing me in the chair.

So on August 23^rd 2002 at 2am there just happened to be my Dr., a full nurse staff, anesthesiologist and our pediatrician on duty. We later learned it was because our neighbor’s daughter was having an emergency c-section. And that is the reason we are both here today. I have memory of them not finding the baby’s heartbeat and my husband crying, I was vomiting and everyone was running around and talking at the same time. The moment is very clear in my memory when the Dr and my husband looked at each other and said placenta abruption at the same time (my husband had read what to expect when you’re expecting). Next thing I remember is being wheeled into the OR for emergency surgery arguing with the DR about signing some paper (he later had my husband sign it) The anesthesiologist was cleaning my hair up some (I had vomited over and over by this time) and they were prepping me for surgery. I remember feeling terrified as I saw the scalpel.

My next memory is waking up and asking for my son (I am still confused as to why I asked for him). I was able to see the kid for about five minutes before she was rushed off to a larger hospital with neonatal unit. I later learned that I had lost almost six pints of blood, and that she didn’t even register an Apgar score when they got her out. She was not breathing and there was barely a heartbeat. The pediatrician got her breathing and her heart rate started to rise.

It is so hard to go through an experience like that and then to have them take your baby to a hospital many miles away is a nightmare. I planned my escape from the hospital (for real) and got so mad at my husband when he wouldn’t help me escape. I finally was able to go see her after only four (I think it was four) days in the hospital. The DR discharged me (not very willingly) and off I went so doped up on medication to prevent infection and kill the pain that the week she was in the hospital is a blur. I really believe I suffered from PTSD afterwards. I would wake up at night and get out of bed and swear I saw all that blood all throughout the house. But it had been cleaned while I was in the hospital and I knew it wasn’t there but I still saw it as real as day.

So we are both here today thanks to a fast acting husband and father, a wonderful staff, our neighbors daughter for needing an emergency c-section and whoever or whatever was watching over us that night. I was the second patient my OB (who specialized in high risk) had seen go through placenta abruption. The mom had lived the baby had not.

So happy ninth birthday to the most adorable, loved, wonderful little girl, who is truly not only a miracle but to us she is simply amazing!

Vacation is over......

2011-08-21T21:37:00.000-04:00

Wow, have things been busy! We had a great trip to Tennessee and back. We did get lost once and the construction leaves a lot to be desired. Then we came up on an accident and luckily were able to get off at the exit, with everyone else that had the same idea. It took us an hour to go 9 miles!! The days flew by and before we knew it we had to leave and make the trek back home.

The day we left for vacation I saw a new Dr and he put me on some new meds and wants me on a high fiber diet and I am walking at least 15 minutes a day. He really listened to me and is one of the few around here that treat FMS. The trip has me feeling achy and sore but the meds are helping and making it bearable.

The kid is with her dad L. She even wants to stay an extra night. All of a sudden I am not the fun one anymore. It’s kind of sad. I am so used to having her here with me and it is very weird having her gone. I’m not so sure I like it! She will be home the morning of her 9^th birthday. I can’t believe it has been 9 years. Time truly does go by fast.

It finally happened.....

2011-08-09T23:42:00.000-04:00

Today the phone rang and on the other end was a voice I hadn’t heard in over two, almost three, years but knew so well. The ex. He wanted to talk to the kid and wants to see her. She was excited to talk to him and I have decided to let him come see her. I dread the visit; she is over the moon with excitement. I will see him tomorrow and I am feeling dread, curiosity and just plain not wanting to deal with any of this. I have all one thousand and one (or two) questions ready to fire.

I have also come to the conclusion that although I love my family I just plain live too close to them..way to close, like only a few places away too close to some. I am ready for a move, so ready, but the timing of my being ready and being able to do it just don’t make an equation.

Speaking of equations, I am still struggling with algebra and after this course get to move on to the more enjoyable (I am dripping with sarcasm at this point) college algebra. That is if I make it through this course.

I also see my new Dr this week(Dr number 1892) and right after that visit will be off for a much needed vacation, algebra in tow. I just can’t escape algebra. I dream algebra. Anyway I hope to get some great pictures and have some much needed alone time with the Mac.

I don't like spiders and snakes...

2011-08-04T10:33:00.001-04:00

I have had a summer of ants determined to torture me with their mere existence so my sweet man sprayed all around the place and inside to help eliminate the things. It also has cut down on the number of spiders but once in a while one gets in and crawls to a spot where it knows I will eventually see it and freak. I hate spiders, and they know it.

Soooo needless to say I go to get in bed a few nights ago and there it was right above my bed. I was on the phone with Mac and was doing my usual freak (“Oh my God there is a mini, mini tarantula on my ceiling right above my bed”). I hurry get a piece of toilet paper and squash it and then I notice the BIG (slight exaggeration) one on the wall across the room. (“Oh my God a mini tarantula”) This one required a chair to reach and I so carefully place the chair (as not to disturb the mini tarantula) slowly climb up to squash it (Mac is still on the line with me) and it runs UGH! The thing is now lose in my room. I search to no avail and finally relent to sharing my room with the monster for the night.

Now I wonder if sucking them up in the vacuum kills them? I asked Mac this, ready to get out the vacuum and suck up anything that moves (excluding pet and kid) but he doesn’t know. I figure with my luck anything I suck up would be saying “Go ahead asshole I’m just going to crawl back out”. Seriously…

Counting the days down

2011-08-03T10:43:00.001-04:00

Ahhhh a nice cool day is ahead. Well mid 70’s, but to me that’s the perfect temperature! And we do need the rain we are supposed to get. I am glad now that I got the apples (finally) out of the yard, took down the kids broken tent (destroyed by a BIG wind last week) and emptied out the pool yesterday. Today my body is screaming “stupid”!

My last post was sure a downer, I should have seen the signs of a flare coming on (I never do maybe it is denial). It hit full force the next day and this week has been a tough one. Sometimes I think if I could just sleep, but for me sleep is a messed up night of waking up and waking up some more.

Next week will be a busy one. Supposedly the kids dad will be home Monday. I haven’t heard from him to confirm this and I am praying he isn’t dumb enough to just show up on my door step. This has been stressing me out like crazy. I did send a letter telling him we would be out of town until around the 20^th.

Speaking of out of town, Mac and I are getting away for six whole days together!! This is a first in the three years we have been together. We are rarely alone, I have the kid and he has well…. a houseful. So we are both looking forward to this time together. And he has an awesome camera I am excited about using. I am hoping I will be able to relax and rejuvenate some. This will be the first time I have had a vacation in seven years. I think it’s due! Now, what to pack?

If I could only fly free

2011-07-30T22:34:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been so miserable you couldn’t stand yourself? That’s me! I am beyond miserable, and probably not very pleasant to be around. I wake up in pain, go to bed in pain, and go through my day in pain. Always pain is there. I am tired from lack of sleep due to pain. Oh and the stress that is there as much as the pain will not leave.

I have reached a point where I am lost. I do not know how I am going to survive financially, I have to deal with the kids dad getting out of prison in a week, and I am struggling with algebra to the point that I detest it. Maybe if I could concentrate and retain it I would do a bit better. But a passing grade of 80 has been hard for me to get and I am a week, almost two, behind.

I have no help with anything. My yard is a mess full of stupid crab apples that just have to fall off the tree, so tomorrow morning that is the chore. Then I get to figure out how to make $25.00 feed two of us for the next six days. The kids birthday is coming up and the need for school clothes is coming up. We won’t talk about the rent because the little amount I do get leaves nothing for the rent.

Yep I am lost in a financially destitute pain filled sleepless frustrating cycle.

2011-07-27T20:36:00.001-04:00

If I could live where I could hear the waves washing to shore, the boats on the lake, the geese, ducks and kids splashing in the water I would have my bed on a screened in porch (of course it would not get cold and snow in this place). But reality tells me I would probably end up settling for one of those relaxation CDs.

I have been trying very hard to watch what I eat lately. I want to not only lose 25 pounds of fat but also get my sugar levels down. I totally blew it today when after taking the kids to my dream lake (except it gets cold here) and then to McDonalds to play and have a happy meal I gave in to the mouthwatering temptation of a Big Mac and chocolate shake and decided what the hell and had them throw in the fries. Tomorrow is a new day and I will not give into temptation, but then again I am not going out to eat. It is so much easier when I just stay home and suffer with the boring food I keep so as to not be tempted by the bad stuff.

Like ice cream. I am a true ice cream lover, the type of ice cream lover that could eat ice cream every day of the year and not get tired of it. That could be the cause of the extra 25 pounds I lug around, though I like to blame medication. Ice cream is my comfort food, my celebration, and my just plain any reason to eat it food and I have had a very hard time giving it up. I figure for each five pounds I loose I can celebrate it with ice cream (and gain back two pounds) but hey it sure is motivational!

Sea Monkeys

2011-07-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

One thing I greatly admire about the kid is that when something sparks her interest she gets on the computer and learns all she can about it. So far this summer her finds have been baby toads, slugs (yes slugs, she let them go so they wouldn’t dry out and die) lighting bugs and now sea monkeys. So while at Wal-Mart we got the sea monkey kit and they have hatched (or whatever they do) and now they only need to be fed once a week (according to her online research). The most amazing thing is she retains the information she learns and will fill in anyone willing (or not) to listen. In school her strongest classes are science and math, go figure.

Home Sweet Home

2011-07-24T20:12:00.002-04:00

I ran away for a week and spent some time at Mac’s. It was nice to get away but it made me realize why I left there. And then I get really irritated because we live three hours apart because I can’t stand to live with his adult children who work and could be out on their own but why do that when they can live there for free. I get really angry over that. That and the fact that if he wanted to be with me as bad as he says he does then why doesn’t he push them to go out into the big world and face responsibility and adulthood? I am at a point where I want something more than two weekends a month and I don’t think he is in any hurry.

So I am back home and already miserable. I believe its stress, financial, personal, family, you name it and there is stress involved. I’m pretty certain I am flunking out of algebra; I have no idea how I am going to pay bills this month. I have yet to be released to go back to work (I don’t see the Dr. until the 11^th of Aug.) and while applying for SSI I had to ask DSS for help. They want me to work 30 hours a week for the 438$ a month they give me. I have no problem working but if I work without being released by a Dr. and I get hurt I am screwed when it comes to comp or disability. I feel I am constantly fighting. And if the Dr. released me I would work a job, not for DSS making 3.40$ an hour.

Then I get a letter from my ex aka the kids’ dad. He is being released in August instead of January. Joy. I do not want to have to deal with that right now. I haven’t had to deal with him or my feelings about all that happened since he has been gone then smack it hits me in the face and I have to deal.

Then my dad ends up in the ER needing stitches, my sister in law is in the ER dehydrated with her sugar out of control (she will never learn) my grandson is running a temp of 103 and my neighbor is sending me a bill after she cleans her fountain (should take all of five minutes it’s so big) because the kid got some dirt in it grabbing a tadpole out of it!

Oy welcome home!

Time for a road trip!!

2011-07-18T07:10:00.001-04:00

Meltdowns? I have had a few. Actually I had many this past week. I was short tempered, miserable and just cried a lot. Insomnia was an every night occurrence and so I decided I had to get away. So after a few not so nice words with my sister (no I did not throw the kid, which everyone thinks by this point in time I have) I did get a bit rougher with her than I would like to admit and feel horrified about it. So I told her we were taking off. I sent a text to Mac and asked if we could come up and then started packing.

I left with the kid and the dog in 90 some degree weather and no ac in the beast, stopped and got gas, said a little prayer that the rusty old thing would make the two and a half hour trip and was on my way. A little over half way it overheated, after a few moments of panic I remembered the toggle switch Mac had put in when my fan went screwy and the beast cooled down and we were again on our way.

I could feel the stress leaving me as I drove. The further away I got the better I felt. This was a good idea. We finally got here and the kid took off as fast as she could to see her little friend who lives here and I sought out to relax. And I did. And the next day I paid for the drive hurting so badly I could have vomited (yeah, I know you’re thinking I could have left that part out) A two hour and some drive is a real challenge for me, but this time it was worth the pain.

So this morning I am sitting on my favorite porch, listening to the thunder and the rain hit the metal roof. I love the sound of the rain on a metal roof. It is so comforting. I know that taking time out is a good thing, yet I rarely do it because I feel so obligated to others and their needs. I think if it is getting to the point I feel I have to run away then I am just simply doing too much. I am not going to keep letting this happen. The kid and I will simply pack up and invade Mac’s when I feel it coming on.

Sometimes we just need to stop doing for others and concentrate on ourselves for a bit… It sure feels good!

2011-07-14T09:53:00.004-04:00

Now that I have finally beaten the game Zuma I have to find something else to do with my life. Maybe something not quite so challenging!

Algebra, my arch enemy, truly sucks. I didn’t like it last time I had to take it and this time I pretty much detest it. I just can’t get why I have to know what equals x or figure out why H=lkj for j. Really! I don’t care. But I have dedicated most of my summer to figuring this stuff out whether I like it or not because, well I have to or I won’t get my degree. I think I would rather shovel horse shit. Anyway the kid offered to help with math being her best subject (along with science, hence the experiments she does) offered to help until she looked at the first problem and told me very seriously “that’s not math it has letters in it”. There went my tutor.

Yawning

2011-07-13T07:30:00.000-04:00

I really wish I was one of those people who could hop out of bed in the morning and be full of energy! I think I hate mornings almost as much as they hate me! I keep the alarm clock on the other side of the room and I still get up and hit snooze then crawl back in my bed (just so the alarm can go off again in 9 minutes) I have to do this because if the alarm clock is near me I will turn it off roll over and go back to sleep waking up later with no memory of turning it off. As far as my internal alarm clock goes I think it is permanently on snooze!

Payback

2011-07-11T20:17:00.000-04:00

Let’s talk kids or not, but I’m going to. I have three grown and of course the kid who is much younger and maybe a bit more spoiled than they were, not in terms of things but just spoiled and not just by me but them also.

My mother used to call every rotten thing my kids did payback. I now do the same to them and have to say I love it. Yet there are times when even as adults I would like to kick them in the ass. Don’t get me wrong I love them all with all I have yet they seem to know how to push certain buttons and I have had my fill of button pushing.

I have been watching my grandson who is five for the last few months while his mom works. This was to be (and will be) a temporary thing. She finally has a daycare set up (hopefully, not holding my breath here) and my life can get back to its normal routine with the kid. Speaking of the kid…..

Kids are resilient little beasts, but there are some things that have a lasting effect on them and this kid has been through some tough shit. She was stolen from me more than once, subjected to alcoholism, extreme fighting and mental and emotional abuse. She has even been in therapy at her age (kids should not need therapy, kids should remain innocent) She can be a challenge to say the least. She is head strong, stubborn, and mouthy at times, a public speaker in the making who is not going to take any shit from anyone. So we butt heads often.

Now here comes the nephew they see each other five days a week (and most weekends because his mother doesn’t know enough to go home) and so they act more like brother and sister and they fight. Boy can they fight. Now his behavior is being blamed on the kid. Oh give me a break. He is five and he is going to give his parents a hard time here and there just to see if he can. I have had her tell me he is picking things up from the kid that she and his dad don’t like and if I hear it again I may well say then keep him away from the kid. I know she isn’t perfect, yet when the sister and nephew are absent so is most of the crap. Did I mention the kid’s sister will argue with her until I am ready to scream? Then ask me why I don’t do anything. I finally told her I am not going to have two people yelling at the kid at the same time and she seemed to be doing a damn good job of it.

So what all this is coming down to is this. It’s payback sweetheart. Your kid is going to give you all the crap you gave me and maybe then some and you will still love him even when he makes you want to tear out your hair or lock yourself in the bathroom because it’s the only room in the house with a door that locks.

Green Green grass of Home

2011-06-30T13:34:00.000-04:00

Today I mowed my lawn (hence the green font color)! My hands were numb and my hips burned like they were on fire when I got done, not to mention I had sweat running off me like water off from Niagara Falls. But what a feeling of accomplishment! And I got some exercise while doing something that showed immediate results. My lawn now looks quite nice. The only thing I might do different next time is mow before it’s too warm.

My other goal for today, besides cleaning some inside and dinner, is to fix the kids tent. Her and her nephew (yea she is an aunt at 8) broke one of the poles and I am creative and have no doubt I can fix it. Maybe I will even hang some wash out on the line.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that at the clinic I was going to (that dropped me) the receptionist on her own time found a dr that treats fibro and made me an appointment. I was actually surprised by her kindness and couldn’t thank her enough. I have to wait until August 11 but this dr actually treats people with fibro. This will be a first for me. I hope he can help me as I am at a loss at this point.

The other Me's

2011-06-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

I replied to a post on another blog that I follow for the first time (I am so new to this blogging world). CHRONICLES OF FIBROMYALGIA can be found here and is a must read for anyone who has or who wants to learn and understand what life with fibro is like and the crusade she so passionately runs. I have read other firbo blogs but this one I never miss.I have also tried online support groups yet I find they bring me down more than help. I figured why not blog myself and get it all out that way.
I know that there are many people out there like me who are frustrated, tired, miserable, stressed in every way they can be and did I mention frustrated? I wonder if like me they just want to growl when people just don't get it.
I had to go to my regular doctor yesterday to have paperwork filled out and they just had to weigh me.. My mood has been sour since. I need to loose a good thirty pounds to get back to where I "felt" good weight wise. How did I gain so much weight? Well when one has fibro they treat the symptoms and I have been on so many bad medicines that have caused everything from weight gain to facial hair. I detest steroids and narcotics. I refuse to take either. I do take meds, but only the ones I absolutely need. I have diabetes, neuropathy and high blood pressure and I take cymbalta for depression and pain. The rest is my activity level has been greatly reduced.
Now to get this damn weight off. I need an exercise routine, but routines and I don't go together so well. So I have decided to simply start one and do my best to stick to it on the days I can and on the days I can't, well there is always tomorrow when I might be able to.
Speaking of depression, this is not the cause of my fibro. Many people have the impression that fibro is a psychological illness and this is not true. When was two years in to having severe symptoms and tired of being told I was depressed (and why wouldn't I be) I decided to have my doctor at the time send me for a complete psychological evaluation and what do you know I passed with flying colors being told that no the cause of what ever I had was not due to depression. Score one winning round for me. This gave me great satisfaction and I still will say NO it is not depression. Depression is not the cause of my fibro, fibro is the cause of my depression. Right now frustration and anger far outweigh any depression I may suffer from. I am frustrated that I can not do the things I would like to (I am still young people) I am angry because I have been fighting a system that doesn't like to recognise my illness as real. Spend a day or two in my shoes and they would change their minds. In filling out the paper work one of the questions was how long would this disability last. I didn't know it went away, it's a chronic illness that means it is here to stay.
I didn't ask for it, I don't want it, so do I feel as if I am being punished for having it?

Strings...

2011-06-26T21:45:00.000-04:00

I miss you so
I just want to touch you
Run my fingers over you
make some music
Make some song
Feel the rhythm
Feel the beat
Run my hand along your neck
hold you close and close my eyes
let the music softly flow
through my veins
into my heart
To the place that lays my soul
It's been too long since we have been one
I'm afraid I've forgotten
But the need is too great
I creave the sounds
of your strings as I strum

Off to Amazon to order some guitar strings, I have not played in years and years and suddenly feel the biggest urge to pick up my old guitar and see if I still have any music left in me

2011-06-18T00:11:00.002-04:00

I once wrote a short story and my sister, who was in college at the time, had one of her English professors read it. The professor sent me the book “Where the Sidewalk Ends” along with a very nice note. I LOVE that book, my kids love it and I hope my grandkids grow up to love it. Just saying.

So June is half over and January will be here before I know it and I dread January. The kid’s dad is in prison and in January he will be released. He obviously went over the deep end after (well during and after) the divorce and broke one too many laws one too many times and had to pay the price. It has been three years since I have seen him. I refuse to take the kid to a prison. I have been to them and they are not really all that kid friendly and really who wants their kid to have memories of seeing a parent in one of those places?

So I am dreading seeing him, dealing with him, or even knowing he is out there free somewhere. Not that I am afraid of him, I’m afraid of emotion. He is the only person who scares me when it comes to emotion. I am not even sure what I will feel seeing him or even hearing his voice and I am not sure I want to find out.

You see he isn’t all bad; he has made some bad choices, choices that I wish he hadn’t made. Choices that caused all those around him emotional pain, anger and just plain hurt. When I first got sick I was sure I was dying so I withdrew from everyone. I was in pain, miserable and figured they would all be better off without me. Woe was I. I was so self absorbed that I did not see the effect it was having on my kids or my marriage. To his credit he did try to communicate, but I would get defensive and feel as if he didn’t want me the way I was so he was better off without me blah blah blah..

Then one night to make a long story short he asked me to dinner, things had been not so good for a couple of years, and I figured what the heck. Dinner was good, but then when he suggested we give our marriage another try I told him he’d better leave. That’s when it got bad, and I do mean bad. I look back and it was like we were having this major contest to see who could hurt the other the most, we yelled, lied, fought, thought revenge, thought we got revenge only to realize all we did was screw up, and had one hell of a custody battle. Then he went to prison, I got sole custody and he has not seen or talked to the kid in all this time. They do communicate through mail, the kid knows he is in “jail” and understands it as well as the mind of an 8 year old can. He and I have even written back and forth, I keep him up to date on the kid; send a few pictures, some of the school work and report cards. One thing I have not done is deal with my feelings for this person. I put it off because I had three years to do it and what do you know times almost up.

So here I am having all these crazy dreams (probably my subconscious self telling me to get a grip and deal) My daughter tells me to get therapy, my other daughter tells me the same (note, I have nothing against therapy) my sister says shoot him (I hate violence) The kid wants to see him (UGH) and I simply don’t want to deal with any of it.

I've been dumped

2011-06-16T22:17:00.000-04:00

So the pain specialists secretary calls me today to tell me there is nothing more they can do for me and that they do not treat fibromyalgia. The Rheumatologist that diagnosed me also does not treat it. So who does? My GP doesn't treat it either. So I feel I am right back to square one. I am diabetic and they will treat that but not fibro.. I just don't get it.
I'm in a funk. I hate funks. I'm not sure if it's just restlessness or what but it drives me nuts. I have no idea what it is I want to do, I just know I want to do something. I don't think writing is what I want to do right now.

And so much for that..

2011-06-13T23:24:00.000-04:00

I believe I mentioned in my last post that I would make more of an effort to be here a bit more often. Well life happened and here I am many weeks later again. That seems to be the way it goes since I got sick. Things I mean to do or even want to do end up getting done weeks later..
I had an infusion last week that was supposed to help with the pain. I went in full of positive thoughts and hope and here I sit tonight knowing it didn't work and feeling pretty let down. I really hate this thing called fibromyalgia. It's a pain, literally.
I have been asking myself what the heck I am thinking by going back to school when I can't even work a part time job. I have a plan to freelance, but was thinking it would be on my terms not on fibros terms. I have barely been able to keep up with school and I have been watching my grandson while his mom works and then there is the kid and I am well exhausted. So why is it when it comes time I can actually lay down and sleep I can't? I need more spoons, many more. If you have never read The Spoon Theory you can find it here. I have got to learn to spread my spoons throughout the day just a bit better.

Me, My Body and I

2011-05-22T00:09:00.001-04:00

I know as soon as I open my eyes in the morning it's going to hurt to even move. Mornings are rough. Once I do move and sit up I know that my feet are going to scream at me when I put some weight on them and then my balance will be so off I will either run into the wall or the door. My fingers do not want to pick up the cup of coffee my body wants so bad and all of me just wants to crawl back into bed.
After a while it all eases up some. I veer to the right when I walk so I tend to run into a lot of things, and have bruises all the time. I can't sit too long, I can't stand too long, a trip through the grocery store tires me out and sometimes staying awake is one of the hardest things I have done.
But I manage because I have to. I have no one to say let me do that for you (except twice a month when Mac is visiting)or ask me if I would like anything. My house is clean (a touch of OCD here) my daughter taken care of, the dog fed and I even remember to feed the fish most days.
If you have ever read the Spoon Theory then you know how I get through my days. If not then you can read it here http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf this gives people a good idea of how people with a chronic illness live. The first time I read it I thought wow that's me and I'm not alone!
My body forecasts rain soon, not because I have some special powers but more than likely because the barometric pressure is changing.

Blogging

2011-05-18T20:46:00.000-04:00

Ok, I thought I would be here much more than I am. Blogging is last on my list of things to do and so I get busy and just plain forget.
I had to do a factory restore on my computer and what a pain that was putting everything back in. I lost some things because my back up failed (go figure) but now my old trusty friend is up and working again.
School is going good, I am not a fan of English but I am doing ok in it. I just keep telling myself only two more years..only!
As far as the weather it stinks. Rain all the time, it doesn't even seem like anything has time to dry out and it's raining again. Maybe I should be living in a houseboat?
Anyway my goal is to get here more often than I have been and maybe even write something interesting in the process!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

2011-05-02T22:20:00.000-04:00

This is my Blog so I figured I could have a good rant. Last November I lost my job due to the fact that I was taken off work for a week to rest. Soon followed an appointment with a Rheumatologist who told me my pain may be due to my Fibromyalgia. So after years (like 7) I am diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and from those who have it I receive support from those who don't, well lets just say they don't get it.
So I have decided to do my utmost best to describe it to those who do not have it as I feel it, because you can't see it or can you?
My mornings suck. I wake up tired after going to bed tired. I sleep terrible. They did a sleep study and it turned out I have sleep apnea (surprise) so i have a c-pap machine to keep me breathing as I should while I sleep. I was told I would feel so much better and have tons more energy, that was months ago and I have yet to see it happen. Anyway back to my mornings.. I wake up tired to the alarm (need to get the kid up and around for school) I hate the alarm with a passion. My best sleep time happens to be very early morning, even with the wonderful c-pap I do not sleep well most nights until about 2-3 am. When I get up everything is stiff from my feet to my neck. It hurts to stand, it hurts to move. My balance is like that of an extreme drunk and my brain takes a while to kick in with the thought process. Things do get better after I am up and moving around for a few hours.
the rest of the day depends on many factors from the weather that day, the day before and the next day to what it is I do that day or the day before that. There is not a day that i do not feel pain it is the level of pain that changes. If I woke up with no pain I would probably think something were wrong.
I drop things..often
Often it is hard to pick things up, such as a pen or pencil
I veer to the right when I walk .. walk on my left or I will be bumping into you
My joints hurt.. not just hurt on their own but to touch
My muscles hurt.. same as the joints
I am cold more often than not..
My hands and feet get so cold they hurt.. wool sox are this girls best friend
Did I mention I am tired? I have fallen asleep having a conversation with someone (not meaning to be rude)
Sometimes the pain causes headaches and nausea
Noise bothers me badly.. I call it sensory overload
I cannot run without falling
Some days it's hard to just walk
I could go on and on.. but I won't..
People say it's like having the flu all the time.. to me the pain is not that of the flu but worse (I actually had the flu this winter for the first time)
I am SO tired of people saying it's psychological, I am not depressed, I am FRUSTRATED and there is a difference between being depressed and being frustrated.
Did I mention I fall without warning? That can be both painful and embarrassing.
So that's a bit of what fibro is like for me. Everyday is not like the one before it or the one after it. A day that starts out relatively well can end very painfully and just as well as one that starts out painful can improve.
So I lost my job because my body just got worse and worse. The pain got worse, I started stumbling (or as the girls at work said tripping over nothing) my hands and fingers were swelling and painful. And the fatigue was so bad I would have to fight not to doze off while at work. A weeks rest to help cost me my job.
Now I have been to the Rheumatologist so the next step is the pain specialist (who takes months of waiting to see) to see if he can help me as my General Practitioner doesn't know how to treat this. I have been treated for all the symptoms for years, try this and when that didn't work we tried that. I have had some success with a few of them but not many others.
I am not a lazy person, which is the main cause for my frustration. I have been labeled as lazy, unmotivated and even depressed. get up and get out I will feel better. I do get up, I do get out and no I do not feel better.
Driving any distance is starting to become more and More difficult.
I am behind on my bills, my rent, unable to do the things I need to or would like to and not because it is what I chose to do. If I could work I would but my Dr put it in writing that I can't work until cleared by a specialist and this does not pay the bills.
Have I mentioned stress? My stress level is up there and some days I feel defeated.
So you may not see it but Fibromyalgia is there, I feel it every single day!

Mini me?

2011-03-14T22:11:00.000-04:00

The kid is 8. Dubbed the kid by her older siblings from birth after all there is a sixteen year stretch between her and the next to youngest. After sixteen years I decided to have one last baby. What was I thinking?
It's just her and I now (mac is down every other weekend unless the van decides to break down or we just can wait the two weeks)
she is a lousy roommate, doesn't like to pick up after herself, will argue any point until she is blue in the face. Oh and my favorite is when she tells me "you wouldn't last a week in my shoes" That one cracks me up. She hates getting up for school in the morning and more than once I have had to lift her up out of bed and set her on her feet. This is quite an accomplishment as she comes up to my shoulders now and has some weight to her.She is convinced she can drive because she has been watching me, if she says "i can't" it means she doesn't want to. She has more energy than I have ever had in my forty some years and doesn't share it with me. She is a sweet, charming, sometimes whiny, funny, smart, kid who is a great con! And boy can we fight! It's never a matter of who wins just a matter of how long it will last. She once told me "Mom some people shrink and I think you might be one of those people" her plan was to measure me then remeasure me in two weeks to see how much I shrunk. The truth is she is just getting taller.
But she is what keeps me going when it get tough and it does get tough. She makes me laugh when I want to cry and never fails to amaze me with her outlook on things. She reminds me of someone.....

School, Flu, Fibro, and Job Searching

2011-03-08T17:30:00.000-05:00

Not necessarily in that order. The Fibro has been wanting to be my friend for years and I hate it. It hurts, makes me tired and aggravates the hell out of me. I just recently lost my job due to it, which makes me hate it even more. The big thing with Fibro is that people tend not to take it seriously. I hear "It's all in your head" way to often, If they could experience for a bit they wouldn't be saying that. It's a bitch, it gives no warning and then along comes the Flu to keep it company, oh happy days.
Now I have never had the Flu before, I now have new respect for it. I have had the 24 or 48 hour bug (that usually is the result of some food we eat) but never the knock you down drag you over broken rocks and glass, kick your butt, while laughing at you the whole time Flu. I have also never had a Flu shot. I will be getting the Flu shot soon and every year here on out. The Flu and Fibro are great friends who love to compete. One tries to out do the other, you loose.
The first week back to college was misery to say the least as the Flu and Fibro decided they wanted to be there my first week. Praise be the online college course! I made it through, barely, in my pj's, hair un-brushed, eyes almost shut and body screaming but I did. Tylenol was my friend.
So far the second week of school is going much better, the Flu decide to leave, the Fibro hangs around and we fight, and I still tire easily, the job search is back on and not going as well as school and this morning the price of gas almost had me in tears, but that's another story..

And so it has been said...

2011-02-28T22:20:00.001-05:00

All I can think of writing my first post is the Walton's and how the show always started out with John-Boy saying something similar to "It has always been said", then I can hear my kids asking who the heck are the Walton's? And I answer they were back before remote control to which they reply when was there no remote control? Enough about the Walton's, except to say that I don't think it would hurt me in any way to still get up and cross the room to change the channel.

So this is "The Other Me" I like that so I decided to keep it. By being "The Other Me" I will be allowed to be totally me. great isn't it? Its a great alias who would ever know "The Other Me" is me? I like it that way.

This week is a week of new starts, well at least one new start. I am back in college working on getting my Bachelors Degree so I can eventually reach where I want to be as far as that aspect of my life. Other aspects are a little more difficult and probably harder to reach but still obtainable. And I was overjoyed to see that there were students older than I am going back to school. I had the fear of being the oldest in class and having the younger ones wonder what the heck this old lady was doing in college. No worries, I will fit in as well as the one who is eleven years my senior. I am excited to be back in school, learning is a wonderful thing and something I am very confident I can do (most of us can learn right?).